Monday, 30 June 2014
When faced with despair, there can only be a decision to be made.
To I rise above it, or do I sink to the bottom of the pit.
I'll put my hands up and admit I have been sinking. I've been sinking fast.
I am starting to turn a corner, at last. It's going to be hard work, but I am going to pull myself out from underneath the chasm I have been hiding under.
First in this step is starting to care for me again. Rather than the opinions that others may have of me. I can't change those, I can't change me. I can however be the best me I can be. At home, at work and online.
I have downloaded some inspirational books to my phone and I will take baby steps from here, and with summer coming up I may even get to grow my nails - for a little bit at least.
Sunday, 29 June 2014
I'm still not back to regular posting.
I'm still not back to being myself.
Too many voices fighting inside my head. Some of them are my actual thoughts. Others are derived from conversations with others.
I can't decide which ones are actually real or an extension of my own insecurities.
I have gone to a different dark place to one I existed in before. I'm now in a place where I'm mindlessly eating half to a hole packet of biscuits (I've never been a biscuit fan - too salty), I'm getting crisps and chocolate out of the vending machine - not something I've ever really done.
It's almost like I'm trying to suffocate myself with my own skin. I can feel it getting heavier and slower.
There is now a concerted effort when I walk to not waddle. I do not want to be that person.
Here is the crux of my sickness. I would love to change it now. I know how to change it. Right now the want to change it is lacking.
I could sit and I could cry on command a lot of the time right now.
I'm tired inside and out.
Even though I'm heavier than I've been in a long time I look drawn. I'm pale and anaemic, low and lethargic, my hair is starting to fall out again.
I don't want to moan about my lot in life. I want to be that person that shines a light on the good things, however I'm not finding much that shines in my day-to-day.
Hopefully I will spot my personal rainbow soon and the dark clouds blocking out the sun and blue skies will stream in again.
Until then I will post sporadically.
You can find me on Twitter and Instagram @whatbeebeedid
Monday, 23 June 2014
Again I've had a break.
I have to admit I've not been on my best game of late.
It is a new day and I'm going to try and take each day as it comes.
I've been lucky today and have had the opportunity to potter around in the Princess Garden and be fairly calm. Be thankful for small things.
Sunday, 15 June 2014
So what exactly have I been up to?
I've read a lot. Reviewed a fair bit for my day job. Including a Book of the Week.
I've been on two cubs camps. Successfully killed my car and camera and then somehow this week managed to get the summer cold to end all summer colds.
I didn't get my bathroom decorated, however my patio did get sorted out.
I'm also now a proud owner of a polytunnel aka the Thunder Dome.
I'm still planning on decorating the dye-splattered walls, however getting the Battletram back on the road is currently my main priority.